Condolences 101
Condolences 101
When my first parent passed away, many people said that since they did not know what to say, that they did not say anything. After hearing this numerous times, I really felt bad for these people. It must have been rough on them to think of something to say to someone that had lost a parent, much less two.
SO!
I am going to offer some sage advice so that the next time someone loses a parent (or two), that you will practically be grief counselors.
Maybe I should start off by telling you what not to say. One, ANYthing that does not take into consideration the situation, and its priorities. The very night that mother let go from her coma, a friend came to take me out to dinner. On my second drink, she started talking about drinking, and how I need to be careful, because she was worried about me. You know, there were a world of things that needed MORE worrying about than my buzz. (Like… me losing my buzz.)
Another now-ex-friend the second night said if there was anything that I needed… so, I said “I need you to drive me to that happy hour.” Well, the excuses came, and I wasn’t in the mood to be very forgiving, so we argued until we were done. (He had a history of stupidity and selfishness. The argument was my pointing out examples of how his behavior at the time was not an exception, but the rule.) If you say, “anything,” something shit simple should be done, and without discussion. In this case, it should have been offered, but since he did not mean “anything,” any one thing would be too much.
Another friend said, “I did not know what to say. I didn’t want to say “sorry” because I hadn’t done anything. I had nothing to be sorry about. So, I (yadda yadda yadda).
“I’m sorry,” and all the normal things you say might be cliché, but at the time, we want the clichés. We want to know that you know we are suffering immensely, and you wish it would stop. Don’t go in the other direction, and tell us everything is going to be okay. You don’t know that, and nothing from that point is going to be okay for a very long time, so it sounds lazy and condescending. Just let us know that you know it’s bad. Also, check in on us from time to time. These things hit in waves. I, myself have not had one big breakdown moment yet. Does that mean that I passed my time, or is it still waiting?
And this leads me into more talk about drinking. I know drinking keeps coming up, but despite what you read here, the people mentioned above never got a drunken phone call in the middle of the night, never received a call from jail, Mexican or otherwise, never found me unshaven, my clothes dirty, locked in my apartment for days on end, etc, etc. This last case was at a anniversary party, where in the invitation it said, “BYOB.” (Did “B” mean blondes? They knew me better than that.) So, I bring a bottle of Captain Morgan’s, and I start getting some kind of hillbilly intervention. The woman’s family started chirping in. When I went for the second drink, and Mama made a comment, I mentally made that her last free shot. The only thing that made up for this was that the wife made my third drink for me, sorta apologizing for starting the mess in the first place. Again, if you’re actually concerned with how I’m doing, check in. Have me over for dinner, so I have something to think about at night besides never being able to say goodbye.
Other gems from friends were, “Not as talkative as you usually are,” and “You sound drunk, like you were off or something.” Imagine that.
Basically, anything you can do to make their lives go a little smoother is good. Facilitating anything for the person, just so they get a sense that they are not alone in this world; that someone is watching out for them just a little bit. That’s good stuff.
When my first parent passed away, many people said that since they did not know what to say, that they did not say anything. After hearing this numerous times, I really felt bad for these people. It must have been rough on them to think of something to say to someone that had lost a parent, much less two.
SO!
I am going to offer some sage advice so that the next time someone loses a parent (or two), that you will practically be grief counselors.
Maybe I should start off by telling you what not to say. One, ANYthing that does not take into consideration the situation, and its priorities. The very night that mother let go from her coma, a friend came to take me out to dinner. On my second drink, she started talking about drinking, and how I need to be careful, because she was worried about me. You know, there were a world of things that needed MORE worrying about than my buzz. (Like… me losing my buzz.)
Another now-ex-friend the second night said if there was anything that I needed… so, I said “I need you to drive me to that happy hour.” Well, the excuses came, and I wasn’t in the mood to be very forgiving, so we argued until we were done. (He had a history of stupidity and selfishness. The argument was my pointing out examples of how his behavior at the time was not an exception, but the rule.) If you say, “anything,” something shit simple should be done, and without discussion. In this case, it should have been offered, but since he did not mean “anything,” any one thing would be too much.
Another friend said, “I did not know what to say. I didn’t want to say “sorry” because I hadn’t done anything. I had nothing to be sorry about. So, I (yadda yadda yadda).
“I’m sorry,” and all the normal things you say might be cliché, but at the time, we want the clichés. We want to know that you know we are suffering immensely, and you wish it would stop. Don’t go in the other direction, and tell us everything is going to be okay. You don’t know that, and nothing from that point is going to be okay for a very long time, so it sounds lazy and condescending. Just let us know that you know it’s bad. Also, check in on us from time to time. These things hit in waves. I, myself have not had one big breakdown moment yet. Does that mean that I passed my time, or is it still waiting?
And this leads me into more talk about drinking. I know drinking keeps coming up, but despite what you read here, the people mentioned above never got a drunken phone call in the middle of the night, never received a call from jail, Mexican or otherwise, never found me unshaven, my clothes dirty, locked in my apartment for days on end, etc, etc. This last case was at a anniversary party, where in the invitation it said, “BYOB.” (Did “B” mean blondes? They knew me better than that.) So, I bring a bottle of Captain Morgan’s, and I start getting some kind of hillbilly intervention. The woman’s family started chirping in. When I went for the second drink, and Mama made a comment, I mentally made that her last free shot. The only thing that made up for this was that the wife made my third drink for me, sorta apologizing for starting the mess in the first place. Again, if you’re actually concerned with how I’m doing, check in. Have me over for dinner, so I have something to think about at night besides never being able to say goodbye.
Other gems from friends were, “Not as talkative as you usually are,” and “You sound drunk, like you were off or something.” Imagine that.
Basically, anything you can do to make their lives go a little smoother is good. Facilitating anything for the person, just so they get a sense that they are not alone in this world; that someone is watching out for them just a little bit. That’s good stuff.
posted by Very Anonymous Mike at 11:59 PM
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