Supporting The Troop
A poker buddy of mine was sent off to Iraq. The day before he left, his wife got the car into a major accident. Luckily, there were only minor injuries, but you can imagine how painful it must have been to leave your wife and three kids at that time. The poker group decided to make a care package. There were going to be things like coffee, porn, cigars, some more porn, venison jerky, even more porn to jerky to. This was going to be my contribution. I wanted to make a video of all of his friends and family, so he knew we were thinking about him. After writing this, we discovered that it takes up to six months to send something to someone Over There ™. After hearing Doug say, “I was laughing and crying at the same time,” as a writer, it killed me.
Poker Video for Dougie
Opening scene: Knocking on Mom's bedroom door. Sounds of her giving rushed, hushed instructions. Frantic clomping. Opening of the door. Mom's in bed, bedsheet pulled to her neck. Window open.
"Mom, I'm going now."
"Where are you going?"
"Uh, ... bible study."
"You're not going up the street to play poker with the boys, are you?"
"No, Mom. They don't play anymore. They said it wasn't the same without Dad's money."
Son leaves. Mom heavy sighs. Next camera angle is from Mom's point of view. (P.O.V.) She scoots out of bed, walks over to the window. On the floor there is a clown's wig and one giant shoe. (I have a friend that can loan me this stuff.) She hands the wig and shoe out the window.
"Slow horn honk."
"No. You'd better get going. You free Monday?"
"double honk"
"Good. Bring some pies."
"Frantic honking."
Camera angle leaving Doug's porch, and filming walk up the street to Victor's driveway. It might be funny to have the camera come up with Victor's back turned. He is squatting by the cd player, some super soft rock song is playing. He's singing along, and when he's caught, hits the switch button, putting on Iron Maiden, saying
"Oh, I was just getting the music ready."
Four bbq's going. Between the four grills, we have as many different things going as possible, ALL wrapped in bacon. The entire time, we're talking, but you cannot understand what we are saying, because we are constantly nibbling off of each other's grills. If we want, we can rename the meats anything we want. (Random voices)
"Hey, you try this Iguana? Yea, but you gotta try this SQUID. You try the polar bear? Not as good as this elephant."
(Then, in unison.) "MMMM... KITTEN!!!"
Kitchen scene: We're all washing and toweling off our hands.
Me: Can you believe it? Four strippers needing help because they got too much pudding on'm?
Don: What are the odds?
Bud: What could they do? They forgot towels.
Me: Can't go into the store like that.
Don: It would be a crime.
Sitcom look at each other and laugh. Toss towels to married guys, with sad sad sad looks on their faces. Can even make the wa wa wa waaaaa sound, depending on how things are going.
Back outside: We're all around the table. We can pause, get up, and start munching on the grills again, have desserts and bacon beer, or start the game from here.
First hand: One person sniff's his finger, and says "Hmmm...you can still smell the bacon." Everybody else follows suit, and does the same, making "mmmm" noises. Then, one of us goes, "Did we have bacon fish tonight?" Everyone stops, and can either be disgusted or slowly pick back up their cards and go back to the game, quietly pretending they never heard that.
Twenty Minutes Later: We can use a shot of someone's watch to denote the passing of time. Twenty minutes later, Don has a majority of the chips. Don's daughter comes up three times with Morgan and Doug's daughters in tow, asking "Can I go to _______'s house"? Each time she comes up and distract's Don, his kid takes some chips.
Substitute Dad: We can get an inflatable woman in DOUG'S SILKY SHIRT, and write the word "DOUG" across her forehead. I'm not sure exactly what he could ask, but his son could start asking for things his Dad would not allow him to have.
"Substitute Dad, can I (fill in the blank)... Really? Thanks. Substitute Dad, can I... really? Thanks."
Also, with each scene afterward, we can have more and more mayonaise leaking out of the doll's mouth.
One hour after that: Don's and Kid's pile are 65/35.
Someone says to kid: You're doing pretty good.
Don: Has he even won tonight?
Someone: Look at his chips.
Another: Yea.
Don shrugs.
New baby scene: Vic's kid's cradle next to the table. On the deal, her cards are flicked into the cradle. Shot inside of cradle, we can rig the cards to stand up in front of baby. Next shot, from baby's angle. Lousy hand. One card can be an Uno card or something. Hand tosses cards in disgust, and starts crying out loud.
Don shot: Looks at his hand. Pulls card out of his sleeve. Leans over, looks at kid's hand. The card he took out of his own hand works in the kid's, so he slips it to him.
Next hand. Vic gets four Aces. Don says, "Nuh uh uh... FIVE aces." Takes the pile. Again, disgust noises.
No need to cheat: Don takes out a 3rd "2," then puts it back. He wins with a pair of twos, and we can all jump in with How can you do that?'s. "How do you do that?"
Don: I have a pair of two's.
Someone: Yea, and I have a six. Six beats four!
Another: You know what, so do I!
Again: Me too.
FINAL HAND OF THE NIGHT. All guys have lost everything, except what they are betting in this hand. There is a huge pile of chips, silverware, car lighters, keys, a package of bacon, ect. Girls come up again.
Don's daughter. Daddy, I wanna...
Don: Look! I'm trying to play, here. You wanna go to college, dont'cha? Just pick a place, and stay there. Call me on the cell once you're there. Ok?
Don's daughter: Yes, Daddy. (I personally would love for her to refer to him as Fuckin' Dad, but I'm sure that won't leave these
brackets.)
Doug's son mouths the word "HELP." at the girls. She looks worried, but then runs off. Seconds later, Don's cell rings. We hear a one sided conversation on Don's side.
Don: What? (pause) You're where? (quick pause) NO, you can't spend the night in the hotel! I don't CARE if Sherri said it was alright! You're my daughter. I have all the legal documents that PROVE I love you. At least, until you're eighteen. (pause) MAKEUP? Look, you come home right this instant! You're getting another "Take your daughter to work" day. That'll put you straight. (pause) Now, honey. Don't make daddy sue you.
While all of this goes on, the kid has got to switch a card with Don to make his the winning hand, and Don's come into a close second. If you like, the five Aces vs. four Aces thing again. You can have Rick start to protest mathematically, and Victor puts out an arm to let the kid do it. When Don gets off of the phone, the kids gotta make the last bet, and call quick. Kid wins, and pulls the pile to him. From beneath the pile, he slips out the Playboy. He holds the cover facing the camera, and says,
Kid: I love you, Dad.
Outside shot. Kid takes the pile in a sack, and leaves. Down the street, he meets up with the girls. He gives them each a share. (Play theme to C.O.P.S.) They hold up their part, and send a message to their father. Kid can hand makeup to Don's daughter. She takes it saying, "You guys bet makeup?" Then can send her wishes to Doug. Ect ect.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch: In the garage, we're all sittin around lookin sad. We all give a message to Doug. Then, return to looking sad, say
Vic: C'mon, guys. Let's go inside and fry some bacon.
We all light up, and someone says, "Mmmm... beer battered bacon." We all "Mmmm."
I say: "Can we use that Crisco Dip I brought?"
Optional ending. All of us in bed with his wife in the center, bedsheet pulled up once again. She can be wearing the clown wig, the shoes on her feet, sticking out of the end of the sheet. We can all say "Thanks, Doug." at random times, waving to the camera. Light goes out. Horn goes honk!
End Scene
Poker Video for Dougie
Opening scene: Knocking on Mom's bedroom door. Sounds of her giving rushed, hushed instructions. Frantic clomping. Opening of the door. Mom's in bed, bedsheet pulled to her neck. Window open.
"Mom, I'm going now."
"Where are you going?"
"Uh, ... bible study."
"You're not going up the street to play poker with the boys, are you?"
"No, Mom. They don't play anymore. They said it wasn't the same without Dad's money."
Son leaves. Mom heavy sighs. Next camera angle is from Mom's point of view. (P.O.V.) She scoots out of bed, walks over to the window. On the floor there is a clown's wig and one giant shoe. (I have a friend that can loan me this stuff.) She hands the wig and shoe out the window.
"Slow horn honk."
"No. You'd better get going. You free Monday?"
"double honk"
"Good. Bring some pies."
"Frantic honking."
Camera angle leaving Doug's porch, and filming walk up the street to Victor's driveway. It might be funny to have the camera come up with Victor's back turned. He is squatting by the cd player, some super soft rock song is playing. He's singing along, and when he's caught, hits the switch button, putting on Iron Maiden, saying
"Oh, I was just getting the music ready."
Four bbq's going. Between the four grills, we have as many different things going as possible, ALL wrapped in bacon. The entire time, we're talking, but you cannot understand what we are saying, because we are constantly nibbling off of each other's grills. If we want, we can rename the meats anything we want. (Random voices)
"Hey, you try this Iguana? Yea, but you gotta try this SQUID. You try the polar bear? Not as good as this elephant."
(Then, in unison.) "MMMM... KITTEN!!!"
Kitchen scene: We're all washing and toweling off our hands.
Me: Can you believe it? Four strippers needing help because they got too much pudding on'm?
Don: What are the odds?
Bud: What could they do? They forgot towels.
Me: Can't go into the store like that.
Don: It would be a crime.
Sitcom look at each other and laugh. Toss towels to married guys, with sad sad sad looks on their faces. Can even make the wa wa wa waaaaa sound, depending on how things are going.
Back outside: We're all around the table. We can pause, get up, and start munching on the grills again, have desserts and bacon beer, or start the game from here.
First hand: One person sniff's his finger, and says "Hmmm...you can still smell the bacon." Everybody else follows suit, and does the same, making "mmmm" noises. Then, one of us goes, "Did we have bacon fish tonight?" Everyone stops, and can either be disgusted or slowly pick back up their cards and go back to the game, quietly pretending they never heard that.
Twenty Minutes Later: We can use a shot of someone's watch to denote the passing of time. Twenty minutes later, Don has a majority of the chips. Don's daughter comes up three times with Morgan and Doug's daughters in tow, asking "Can I go to _______'s house"? Each time she comes up and distract's Don, his kid takes some chips.
Substitute Dad: We can get an inflatable woman in DOUG'S SILKY SHIRT, and write the word "DOUG" across her forehead. I'm not sure exactly what he could ask, but his son could start asking for things his Dad would not allow him to have.
"Substitute Dad, can I (fill in the blank)... Really? Thanks. Substitute Dad, can I... really? Thanks."
Also, with each scene afterward, we can have more and more mayonaise leaking out of the doll's mouth.
One hour after that: Don's and Kid's pile are 65/35.
Someone says to kid: You're doing pretty good.
Don: Has he even won tonight?
Someone: Look at his chips.
Another: Yea.
Don shrugs.
New baby scene: Vic's kid's cradle next to the table. On the deal, her cards are flicked into the cradle. Shot inside of cradle, we can rig the cards to stand up in front of baby. Next shot, from baby's angle. Lousy hand. One card can be an Uno card or something. Hand tosses cards in disgust, and starts crying out loud.
Don shot: Looks at his hand. Pulls card out of his sleeve. Leans over, looks at kid's hand. The card he took out of his own hand works in the kid's, so he slips it to him.
Next hand. Vic gets four Aces. Don says, "Nuh uh uh... FIVE aces." Takes the pile. Again, disgust noises.
No need to cheat: Don takes out a 3rd "2," then puts it back. He wins with a pair of twos, and we can all jump in with How can you do that?'s. "How do you do that?"
Don: I have a pair of two's.
Someone: Yea, and I have a six. Six beats four!
Another: You know what, so do I!
Again: Me too.
FINAL HAND OF THE NIGHT. All guys have lost everything, except what they are betting in this hand. There is a huge pile of chips, silverware, car lighters, keys, a package of bacon, ect. Girls come up again.
Don's daughter. Daddy, I wanna...
Don: Look! I'm trying to play, here. You wanna go to college, dont'cha? Just pick a place, and stay there. Call me on the cell once you're there. Ok?
Don's daughter: Yes, Daddy. (I personally would love for her to refer to him as Fuckin' Dad, but I'm sure that won't leave these
brackets.)
Doug's son mouths the word "HELP." at the girls. She looks worried, but then runs off. Seconds later, Don's cell rings. We hear a one sided conversation on Don's side.
Don: What? (pause) You're where? (quick pause) NO, you can't spend the night in the hotel! I don't CARE if Sherri said it was alright! You're my daughter. I have all the legal documents that PROVE I love you. At least, until you're eighteen. (pause) MAKEUP? Look, you come home right this instant! You're getting another "Take your daughter to work" day. That'll put you straight. (pause) Now, honey. Don't make daddy sue you.
While all of this goes on, the kid has got to switch a card with Don to make his the winning hand, and Don's come into a close second. If you like, the five Aces vs. four Aces thing again. You can have Rick start to protest mathematically, and Victor puts out an arm to let the kid do it. When Don gets off of the phone, the kids gotta make the last bet, and call quick. Kid wins, and pulls the pile to him. From beneath the pile, he slips out the Playboy. He holds the cover facing the camera, and says,
Kid: I love you, Dad.
Outside shot. Kid takes the pile in a sack, and leaves. Down the street, he meets up with the girls. He gives them each a share. (Play theme to C.O.P.S.) They hold up their part, and send a message to their father. Kid can hand makeup to Don's daughter. She takes it saying, "You guys bet makeup?" Then can send her wishes to Doug. Ect ect.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch: In the garage, we're all sittin around lookin sad. We all give a message to Doug. Then, return to looking sad, say
Vic: C'mon, guys. Let's go inside and fry some bacon.
We all light up, and someone says, "Mmmm... beer battered bacon." We all "Mmmm."
I say: "Can we use that Crisco Dip I brought?"
Optional ending. All of us in bed with his wife in the center, bedsheet pulled up once again. She can be wearing the clown wig, the shoes on her feet, sticking out of the end of the sheet. We can all say "Thanks, Doug." at random times, waving to the camera. Light goes out. Horn goes honk!
End Scene
posted by Very Anonymous Mike at 4:11 PM
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