Guest Blog: Bacon Reinforced Homeland Security

This is my first, hopefully, in a series of guest blogs. A friend of mine wrote this as a class assignment after we joked about it at happy hour. While is talks about homeland security, it REALLY talks about bacon, and bacon is what it’s all about.




     Sec. 46910
Grade B+
A somewhat modest proposal for the 21st century
for protecting the good American people from the evils of terrorism

One of the most vital concerns in America today is terrorism. Guarding against another September 11th is at the top of the government’s priority list. One of the most difficult issues faced is the early detection of threats. It is vital that those wishing us harm not board planes so that they cannot use them as weapons and interrupt the travel plans of hundreds of taxpayers.
But how can the most dangerous of criminals be identified while putting the least burden on the average hard working American traveler?  As yet it has not been possible to easily identify potential terrorists. To ensure the safety of the American people, it is imperative that new security measures be implemented. Rather than the current "random" checks by profiling, I propose a simpler yet infinitely more reliable system.
It is a well known that no American can resist free samples; in fact the huge success of the Costco chain can be directly attributed to their practice of giving out a large variety of samples on a regular basis. Hardly anyone in this country actually needs pallets of toilet paper or drums of vegetable oil but yet there are always a large number of people shopping there, most looking around hopefully for a sample table.  
While we do not know exactly what most terrorists look like, we do know that Al Qaeda is a Muslim fundamentalist group and that knowledge tells us a few things about them: They do not eat pork, drink alcohol and they hate Jews and Americans.  
Keeping the above in mind, I propose a new security checkpoint system. This system can be installed on top of the current lines for metal detectors, which will stay in place.
The first checkpoint will sit at the entrance to the security line. It does not need to be large, only the size of a small fair booth. A very friendly attendant will greet passengers and offer them samples of delicious, fresh off the griddle bacon. The majority of people will be very happy for the free snack and will simply thank the attendant and move on through the line. Of course, this may offend some passengers for either religious or dietary reasons.  Security will make note of these people. No matter the reaction the attendant will smile and ask them to move on to the next checkpoint.
Approximately halfway through the line will be another booth. Another smiling, happy to be American, attendant will greet passengers and offer them their choice of cool refreshing beverage while they wait. They will have their choice of either Budweiser, Jack Daniels or, if they require something kosher, Manischewitz. Of course there are many people in this country that don't drink, they will be sent on down the line with a smile and, of course, security will make note of them.
The final checkpoint does not have the free samples but instead ask passengers a few questions about their experience. A couple of questions will be asked about the samples and if there's anything that would make the process more enjoyable. The final question will be slightly off topic. Passengers will simply be asked which major religion’s God has had the greatest impact on the world. It in choices will be Christian, Jewish and Muslim.  This of course is a trick question as they are all the same God. Passengers will be informed of this and any that get upset will be taken over to security.
This process will of course be watched over by security officers specially trained to look for irate Muslims. People can be taken out of the line at any time if they are behaving strangely. By the third checkpoint a true fundamentalist Muslim should be incredibly upset; they will be taken to security for further questioning. At times non-Muslims may be pulled out of line for questioning. Though they are not the primary targets, if they are acting oddly enough for security to question them chances are they are up to something and a few hours in a cell will do them some good.
In addition to the obvious security benefits, this plan also produces two added benefits. Firstly, even though this adds an extra step in the airline boarding process, customer satisfaction will improve. No true American can resist free food and the free alcohol will be just enough for a pleasant buzz. Also, the smell of freshly cooking bacon will bring to mind pleasant memories of relaxed weekend breakfasts.
On a practical level, this undertaking will give a much-needed boost to the economy. Not only will the need for sample booth attendants directly create new jobs and take thousands off of unemployment, the bacon industry as a whole and Anheuser-Busch and the Jack Daniels Company, both fine American alcohol makers, will increase sales dramatically, leading to the creation of even more jobs.
This system will be far more effective than the random profiling done in airports now. In addition, it will help big businesses and create jobs. Most importantly, it will give people free bacon and, really, isn't that what America is all about?