Monday, January 05, 2009

Real Nightmares

They are not about monsters chasing you, or villains cutting you. They're not about falling, or even dying, because they are so fantastical, that you know right away that they are not real.

The ones that hurt the most are the ones that are subtle and get into your head. They convince us that something we really wanted was ours and was real. Then, they continue to play out until they become part of us. Right when we are sure that we are not asleep, that "this is not a dream," we wake up. In those first few minutes, we are left to our own devices to sort out was real and what was better.

We are forced to give up something that meant so much to us; something that was, for a time, both never there and truly ours.


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2:01 AM  
Blogger Desert Drama said...

I am slowly waking up from a nightmare. This nightmare does not appear to be frightening to the untrained eye. It brings on an insanity, that is hard to locate where the source comes from. It's not until I got a blatant-but-oblivious status update as to where I stand with my friend. She told me that she had to go watch Lost, than to hang out with me on my birthday. I don't think she heard me when I said that she did not HAVE to go watch Lost.
It keeps getting better. The next day she comments on my facebook status "Fuck Lost," that I sent while I was still at the bar. She writes, "I'm sorry I had to leave." I proceed to remind her with a reply, "You did not have to leave."
I understand more than ever where the source of my insanity comes from. It is me confusing a drinking buddy for an actual friend. I have been re-evaluating my definition of friend.
I am finding that I have more control over this nightmare, that I don't have to allow myself to be a part of, anymore. I going to take my drinking buddies in smaller doses and focus my energy towards people who actually care or things that matter to me.
The amazing thing is I am completely fine with knowing that she never really was a friend and that she was never really my friend, despite the efforts I made to let her know that I was her friend. Maintaining my sanity is way more important than getting myself caught up in a the trivial behaviors of a drinking buddy.

10:57 PM  

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