Sunday, October 30, 2005

This is going to be my ecetera page. If I think something is general enough to appeal to a majority to you (me), then it will wind up here.

If I can recover them off of my old hard drive, I will probably include some of my older writings here. (lightning storm @ 10:30 PM + west coast naivete + sleep pill at 8 PM = cursing + restarts + false hope + new computer)

As much as I hate to bring it up, I am starting this, among other reasons, because my parents died this year. The two events happened four months apart without warning, and it has left me stuck inside my head. When I told someone about my mother's death in March, they asked, "Well, do you have family to help you though this"? My answer was, "I have family, but they sure as hell ain't there for me." After my father's death, my sister e mailed me twice to see if I was okay. Despite my answer both times, she never made an actual phone call, and she never asked again. In regards to my brother, I spoke to his wife more than I did he. His excuse was that there were no cell phone calls allowed at work. My reasoning was that a) I should not have to make three phone calls to his 1. home 2. cell and 3. AND work number at this time, b) he is the manager, time to rewrite that and c) since both of his parents died, even if he was trying to set an example, could he have considered this and exception to the rule?

In reality, when my mother died, my entire family actually died. Truth is, my family, as a whole, died years ago. My illusion of my family was severed when I lost my mother. (My father and I had been estranged for 13 years when he passed. There might be more on that later, but I doubt it. On the rare occasion when I tell that story, it's one shot, and I am done for the day.)Several people "noted" thing like, "Oh, you were not that close to your father. It's no big deal," and "You didn't love your father, anyway."

When your parents pass, there are shifts in the structure of your life. You are suddenly at the top of the pyramid, and that is odd. You never planned for that, because imagining a world without the people that brought you into it is very painful, even if they are not in your life. Knowing they are out there somewhere means that even if you are not speaking with them now, someday it could be better. After death, there is no "is." Everything becomes "was," with no changing it. (Sorry President Clinton.)

When I lost my mother, people e mailed some nice things about me. When I lost my second parent, it was oddly quiet. I imagine that it went off of everybody's scales, because I know it did mine. For the first week, I could only smirk. People offered the usual, "if you need anything," but the hard part is knowing what you need. There is anger and frustration that does not come out all at once, but leaks out; blends with your normal day. Most of us have one week to ourselves, then the world spins again, spinning you with it. I have been told that it will be three years until I am right again. All I know is that I do not want to have to not say it, and I do not want to apologize if it gets away from me occasionally. I stay home alone rather than make excuses. As far as calling someone goes, you look at the phone, you go through your registry, but many days, you never dial. It's not that you refuse to call, per se. Moreso, you just keep putting it off, finding things to do until it is time to go to bed. For the most part, you need someone to check on you, and having to ask for it ruins it.

I have things I need to say, and things you want to say. When you start a blog, you can imagine that you have people that listen. Also, I can break this stuff down into pieces, because it will not all fit in one rant. Sorry about starting this song in a minor chord. Ask anyone that knows me. There will be a keychange soon enough.